lonely

truth be told, i'm having a bit of a hard time here. i've started seeing a counselor, which helps... but i'm still left to battle the solitude myself.

what's hitting me hardest is the absence of my dearest friends. the ones i used to be able to call up and say, "hey, whatcha doin'? wanna go get something to eat?" i am so thankful to still be in frequent contact with a number of NC friends, but there's really no substitute for sitting in a girlfriend's living room, drinking wine and shooting the shit. a mere phone call doesn't provide the same level of comfort.

don't get me wrong, i do have a good number of friends here... i just don't have anyone yet that i'm *that* close to yet. i've got friends and acquaintances that i can schedule outings with, but not any best pals with which i can just spontaneously create an evening. i miss that support network so much... so much that i find myself crying into my pillow every few nights.

i guess, too, that part of the reason i'm currently having such difficulty is because i *did* briefly have an intense friendship with one person here, but i screwed it up and it's gone now. this was an immediate and intimate connection, and it felt fun and happy and warm... a pretty good substitute for the girlfriends back home, actually. but like i said, it got all messed up and i'm really deeply grieving the death of that relationship.

i am still dating the boy, though. i smile just thinking about him. the time we spend together is incredibly lovely and remarkably fulfilling, but sadly we just don't get the opportunity to see each other very often. this guy has a really demanding family life and he travels a lot for business. our relationship is the total opposite of what i just came from; i really took for granted the constant companionship i had with ray. my emotional side is yearning for a similar companionship (which is more than the boy's situation will currently allow) but the logical part of me is truly thankful that i have a lot of free time to go out and work on building my own social circle. this is another big internal battle, and one that also has me in tears every so often... largely because that social circle is so slow to develop.

but again, thank goodness for the counselor. she is pushing me to expand my horizons. with this funk i'm in, it's tempting to sit at home and mope. but instead, she's armed me with the ambition to sign up for several local meetup groups... a book club, a wine tasting group, and one amazingly called "Portland Women Connecting for Friendship." exactly what i need, no? we'll see how it goes.

in the meantime, i'm struggling along, finding ways to get myself out there and see and do new things, to feel involved and keep my spirits up. todd took me to a trailblazers game tonight (unbelievable seats, i might add), and tomorrow (new year's eve) he's hauling me to a winterhawks hockey game with a dozen of his friends. there's a met opera HD broadcast new year's day, and then i'm back into the regular schedule of work and divaville and such. and i've got a few dinner dates planned here and there, and i'll continue to work on creating new friendships.

it's exhausting, though. i've vowed to myself that whenever i meet an interesting person, i'll hand over my business card and try to set up a lunch date. some people on the receiving end of the card and invitation are a little surprised, i think, by the aggressiveness... but i've gotta do it. i'm a social person; i need friends around me.

i just really wish i could have transported my entire north carolina network to portland. this town is great, the job is great. i'm thriving in my work, and i'm achieving an amazing degree of notoriety... it would all be perfect if my north carolina friends were here with me. tonight after the trailblazers game i took myself out to dinner, had a couple of scotches, and then went to a movie by myself. i had an ok time, but it would have been nicer to have been able to share it with good, old friends.